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Hey, my name is Renee – I hope my story blesses you & draws you closer to God.
If anyone has a good reason to question God and be angry with Him – it is probably me. But I am not angry, perhaps I question him yes, but I know that he is a faithful God. Long story short, in recent years I have had a lot of family loss. Last year alone, I lost my mother to a heart attack & my beautiful daughter just shy of 37 weeks pregnant – she was very tragically born sleeping. It was an absolute shock, our hearts broke with the news. In addition to these losses I have lost both my fathers, an uncle, and some grandparents recently – so it has been a tough few years. On the positive – I have a loving family, my husband Josh and near three year old Amelia whom I cherish.
The hardest trial has been the loss of our daughter Hope, unexpected and sudden, just prior to child birth. Hope was our rainbow baby. When we found out we had lost her at the hospital it was the day of the birth plan and we had just finished our bump photos a few hours before. This day I will never forget – “I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat”.. What do you do in a situation like that?
You pray for a miracle.
My husband got on the phone to church and everyone we knew was praying. My husband fasted until I gave birth in the hopes of a miracle. We wanted our miracle so bad but tragically we did not receive it. Soon after birth we dedicated Hope back to God which was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I soon realised I had situational depression from the loss of my daughter. Childbirth is rated one of the most painful experiences in life; so to birth and not be able to keep the baby is far more painful than the birth itself – one can only imagine the heartache. Approx 2 weeks post partum I remember talking to my husband – asking him… “Why did God not answer our prayers?” My husband tried to answer as best he could. I felt prompted to go to church that evening and went alone.
I walked through the doors and recall a headline in bold ” WHY DOES GOD NOT ANSWER PRAYER” as the topic. I sat there fresh postpartum with my arms folded and said to God “You will not reach my heart through this message, unless the pastor shares what happened to me” then I thought “Nah that is a crazy thought, that won’t happen”.. but part of me also felt – “What if God did love me that much.. what if he used this pastor to reach my heart tonight?” I sat there waiting for the message to reach me. I burst into tears as the guest speaker – the pastor discusses “A mother full term, whose baby came out and wasn’t alive and he prayed for this baby to come to life and the baby does not come back to life.”
This was my story. God answered my prayer by sharing my story.
The whole church was quiet and I just sat there sobbing in the back pew as God touched my heart. He was a guest speaker, so of course did not know my story, it was God speaking through him. Though he was talking about another woman that lost her baby, this is exactly what happened to me. In that moment I realised the goodness of God despite my heartache. My depression lifted that night. Only a real God could meet me in my pain. It says in the Bible he is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Our daughter Hope will always be missing from our family but the Lord is our strength and he can work all things together for good if we love him. I do love God, in the good times and even in the bad. In suffering and in heartache – I still love him. Gods grace is sufficient for me. I know that God will flip the script one day and make beauty for ashes. But for now I will simply trust in Him despite the storm. I pray God reaches you in your moment of need too.
Love and blessings always,